Patience, Perfect, and Answered Prayer

I realized I haven't told the rest of the story about my housemate N'musa and whether she was accepted into her social worker assistant course. I last left off saying that I went to Cape Town and we were waiting for the college to give us an extension to find her a placement for her practical which she needed before they would accept her. It dragged out until the end of the week, when the first day of class was on Friday. They told her to call on Friday to see if they still had room. She called, they said they were full.... then they called back a few hours later and said they would actually accept her! She has been going to class, and taking forms they give her back to her new placement and waiting for hours on end to have them sign the forms! Life in Africa. I think she has much to teach me about patience. This lady knows how to wait! Answered prayer often is last minute to us, but perfect timing to God.

I on the other hand need more patience. I took a little girl from the children's home to her appointment at the government hospital for the doctor to see her and then give us an appointment to re-splint her leg (she has Cerebral Palsy, with a contracted leg and arm that need splinting). The line wasn't too long- waited just an hour which is super quick around here. On the way out though, it was pouring down rain. Even though they made me park about two blocks down from the building, I figured I could walk fast! I was too impatient to wait till the rain stopped. I should have waited. By the time we got to the car we both were completely drenched from head to toe. I couldn't walk that fast with a four year old (who can't hold on) in one arm and a diaper bag in the other. I promise you, the rain droplets here are so much bigger than the ones in Washington State! We rolled up to the guard at the gate and I rolled down my window. With one look inside at us (I had dried her, but had no way of drying myself), he started laughing at my soaked self. I laughed to. "How are you ma'am?" I'm wet, can I go home?" He continued to laugh and waved us on. If I had just waited ten minutes, the rain would have stopped, and we could have made it to the car dry. Thankfully the little girl wasn't traumatized by the experience because the next day when she saw me, she smiled and reached up for me to pick her up.

There is a little boy by the name of Perfect at the home for children/grown ups with disabilities who has latched on to my heart. I'm sure I'm breaking some law by saying his name, but I think his name is important, because he is just that-- Perfect. Two months ago when I started there I noticed him in the line up of kids waiting to be "clapped" (percussed-- breaking up the junk in their lungs) by the PT's. I noticed his cuteness, but also that he was always crying. I went up and tried to sooth him and noticed his arms and legs periodically tightening which would cause him to cry. The caregivers told me that he has been crying ever since he got there a few months ago. Obviously he was crying because he was in pain, and whatever was going on in is body that was causing his limbs to contract was painful. When it was his turn for "Jacuzzi therapy", it was so sweet to his his body relax in the bubbling water as he closed his eyes and finally had a peaceful look his face. I wanted him to feel that way not just in Jacuzzi time, so I prayed for God to do a miracle in his body and heal him.

After my two weeks away in Cape Town, my next day at LE I asked the PT how Perfect was doing. They told me that they had put him on a sedative to help with whatever was going on in his body (they didn't know), and that he didn't cry anymore. Oh great, I thought. He is probably totally out of it instead! I was happily wrong. He is totally alert and smiles up a storm! His crying has been replaced with a beautiful smile. He probably drools a cup a day (side affect of meds), but he is now so happy! Thank you Jesus for helping Perfect! God may often answer prayers differently then we expect, but He still answers them!

One last story.

I have decided to return to America shortly. It's a long story, one which I will gladly share with you in detail one on one if you are interested. I don't know what lies ahead, but I think it is the right decision at this time. I have also decided not to pursue adoption of my special little girl at this time.

Leaving South Africa and leaving her is bittersweet. My second to my last day of volunteering at LE was wonderful! The caregivers and another volunteer and I were done feeding the children in S's(the little girl) group early so we had some sweet time of tickling the children and making them laugh. It was an amazing to all be enjoying each other and hear their laughter. I will miss those children! Is it politically correct to say I love me some special needs children?

Earlier in the week I had fed S' and she had a terrible time eating her food. She would cry and scream just wanting the jello. This day though one of the caregivers came up to her and started saying "oh my baby, my special little girl". S responded to her so well and ate her food like it wasn't a problem. This made my heart soar! One of the saddest parts for me was thinking about leaving her alone, with no one loving her. To see that this lady found S to be her special girl, and for S to respond so well to her made me realize that she did have someone, and she wasn't alone.

S' has cortical blindness which means she can only see light and dark. She also has other disabilities and currently is not able to communicate through words, but I can tell that there is a lot going on in her little brain. She can tell people apart from each other, by their voice or smell. She notices there presence, but I'm not sure if she notices their absence. Last year when I visited S' she was able to repeat sounds and English words so clearly. I was disappointed to come this time and see that she wasn't able to do so anymore, possibly because she didn't hear much English anymore, but who knows. The one word I heard her say the last two months was "mama". This day I was standing near her, playing with another child and without any encouragement or anybody saying remotely anything close to this she said as clear as day "bye bye"! I nearly broke out in tears. Of course it felt like she was saying good bye to me! How symbolic. Sometimes God answers prayers before we have even prayed them!

A look into my brain and heart

I spent two weeks in Cape Town (Feb 1st-Feb 14), visiting an American missionary family called the Stewarts- who I had met previously in Pretoria in 2008 and had since kept in close contact with. Cape Town is beautiful because it has both mountains and beaches. I spent my time resting, praying and thinking about the future, playing with their three beautiful and funny children, some random trips to Melissa's "hot-spots" in Cape Town, two trips to the beach, some sun bathing on the roof, good food, and lots of good conversation with both Melissa and Arthur. They are such good friends and have been such a blessing to me!

Lots of stretching (and I don't mean physically) has been occurring and re-evaluating previous thoughts and ideas about life, people, and purpose. I have learned so much about myself in the last two months. I think I have journaled (is that a word?) more in the last two months then in the last six years! I tend to think and over analyze things, which can sometimes be helpful and other times not. At some points I felt like I was going crazy with my pros and cons lists and my internal monologues.

I have also had some very significant conversations with three different ladies (who are all in different countries- Dubai, the UK and the USA) who have been in similar life situations. Just in telling me their stories they encouraged me and gave me some advice. One of the best parts about it is knowing that I am not alone. Even though one knows they can't possibly be the only one in a certain situation, it's always great to hear that that is actually true!

Here is a random list of thoughts rolling around in this brain of mine:

I can feel the stretching, but sometimes that stretching feels like it will snap back into it's previous shape. How does one know that they are actually growing? How does one measure present growth? I can see how you realize you have grown when a similar situation arises later and you have a different response, but what about in the present? I'm being stretched but am I actually growing?

The amazing reality that I have options and choices! What a blessing that actually is!

Understanding that I am acceptable to God, no matter what I do or don't do. It's so easy to get focused on "doing things". I find that if I don't keep busy doing productive things, I often get depressed. I have to make my life count, I have to do something that is meaningful, that actually helps people. Which is good on one hand, but bad on another. Its hard to break out of the "doing thinking". If I became an invalid right now and I could only talk and listen to people, my life would still have worth. I would still be loved. Nothing can separate us from God's love. God looks at our hearts. It's not about doing or what we do...

God gives us desires for a reason. He wants to use our gifts and our personalities.

I can't compare myself to other people. There will always be people who are doing cooler, better, more amazing, huge things for humanity and for God. It's discouraging to view those people and see myself who spends her day washing dishes, folding laundry, reading, talking to people, and driving people around in a hot car (and by hot I don't mean cool, I mean temperature - very hot!). Comparing myself to others won't benefit me, it will only make me more discouraged. There is a book I have yet to read called practicing the presence of God. Basically it is about a monk who worked in a kitchen and he talks about it not mattering what tasks you do big or small, you can still practice being in the presence of God whilst doing them. There is a Bible verse that says do everything for the glory of God, and another one that says "whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave there is neither working nor planning".

Love is the most essential part of life. If you haven't got love but you do all these things, they mean nothing. In the end love is the most important!

This earthly life is short. Yes we all know that, but every once and awhile something occurs in our lives that causes this reality to hit is in the face. Recently we have had a family friend who is 35 yrs old diagnosed with cancer that metastasized (he didn't even know he had cancer and then was diagnosed it with it all over his body) and a prognosis of a few weeks to live. He has a wife who is pregnant with their second kid. Obviously devastating. (If you pray, please join me in praying for a miracle for him and his family).

It made me realize that in this short earthly life, I want to be around and share my life with my family and others I love.

Before I left my friends in Cape Town we had a short time of praying together (well, them praying for me). It was very encouraging. My friend ended with this picture she saw of a tapestry. We are each a thread and the thread comes up for a short time and then may go behind the tapestry for awhile and then come up again etc. It is all creating a beautiful tapestry. We can't see the whole picture, but I have hope in a good and Sovereign God who sees that picture and is crafting something amazing. Each little part of "coming up" is important to the picture, no mater how short it is. It is not insignificant. It was necessary.

Something we might see in life as a failure is actually an essential part of the tapestry. Even people in our lives that come and go, just because it was for a short time does not mean that it was futile or pointless. It was part of the grand picture.

In short, if you have made it this far in this post, remember these few things

- you are totally and utterly loved by God

- This earthly life is short - so love who God has made you to be and most of all love people

- If you are discouraged by something not turning out the way you thought, take heart our life is a beautiful tapestry that is being crafted by a gracious, good and Sovereign God (whether you believe it or not) =).

and I love you too.

The last two weeks

Let me update you on the last two weeks.

I have actually managed to keep busy the last few weeks. My mornings have been taken up with driving to and from places. Johannesburg is busy and has a tangle of large freeways. Everything usually takes about 45 minutes to get to, unless you get lost and it takes 2 hours! Petrol (gas) costs a good deal around here, and the car I am borrowing requires a lot of it, BUT I am ever so thankful to have a car to get me places!

I have been volunteering at Little Eden weekly. By the second week I asked if I could come on Thursdays too, which they have graciously allowed. The first few times they had me work in the group with the little girl that I know! It was great to spend some time with her. She is in the “higher functioning” class. There are quite a few children in her group that are so sweet and precious. This week they had me stay with the Physiotherapist, and help them do some work with different children on mats. Many of the children have contracted arms and legs, and we give them a good rub down and TRY to stretch their muscles. Many of the children though they can’t talk, are alert enough that when you hold them, and touch them, tickle them and kiss them they break out into great big smiles!

Little Eden is quite a place. They have a nurse 24/7, a doctor that comes in twice a week, several physical therapists, a music therapist, teachers and other staff. The staff that I have interacted with and the volunteers are lovely people who love the children and enjoy being there. The place is clean, and the children get 3 good meals a day including jello for dessert! I am usually there from 9-12:30.

Volunteering at Little Eden is my favorite part of the week. It makes life simple. I get to tell and show children who don’t “look or act normal” that they are beautiful and their life has worth because they were created in the image of God. I may not say that to them in those words, but when I hug and kiss them, massage their broken bodies, cause them to laugh and smile, sing with them and tell them they are beautiful and see their response of joy, I know it’s communicated. I love it!

My other favorite part of the week is going to church! I have been attending a church called God First, which is connected to my church NCC in Tacoma because they were started by the same family of believers called New Frontiers. God First has exploded and has 9 campuses! I attend one about 40 minutes from my house. I have been able to bring some volunteers from TLC (the baby home I volunteered at in 2008) as well as some of the two year olds to the services. The pastor is doing a series on Faith, with lots of great things to say. More than that, I love dancing and worshiping God, with a sweet child in my arms. It brings me great joy!

I have gone over to TLC a few times to assist by folding laundry, doing the dishes, feeding and holding babies. I have also been helping my housemate Nomusa get into a course to train her to be a social worker assistant. What a crazy ride THAT has been. Two weeks ago we drove down town to inquire about the course. It was understood that the course started in March. They informed us to call on the 25^th in regards to the next screening date, and that they did not know when the course would start. So diligently on the 25^th we called and they told us on the 27^th they were having the screening exam. So we gathered all our papers, got down there, she took the exam and passed! Great! But it wasn’t over yet. I asked, when does the course start, and when do we need to submit the social worker placement letter? (we are supposed to find our own social worker to work with for the course). They told me oh, there is no course in March, but it starts next week Friday (today) and you have to have the papers in on Tuesday the 31^st!

I didn’t think it would be THAT difficult to find a placement, but I was wrong. Friday afternoon, all day Monday and part of Tuesday we drove around to hospitals, clinics, children’s homes and other places trying to get someone to take us! Many prayers, tears and miscommunications later we still couldn’t find anybody! I flew out to Cape Town to visit my friends Tuesday afternoon (which was planned before we knew that the class was starting this week), and left Keshia and Shoshanna to continue the hunt! Several promising social workers later, and an extension of the 31^st deadline …..end of the story to be continued.

We also visited the South African Nursing Council, whereupon they told me they hadn’t received any paperwork yet that was sent from me and the Nursing School back in December. I can’t move forward in that. I also met with the Social worker about the child, and learned some interesting things, which cannot be discussed on this public website!

I came to South Africa as it was the next step in this process of pursuing the possibility of adoption. Before coming here, I felt pretty confident about my desires and intentions. After all I had been thinking about this since I arrived back in the USA in 2008, but really praying about it and pursuing it since the beginning of 2011, after a 3 week trip to South Africa and Zimbabwe. My mind was pretty much made up! Upon arrival and over the last month I have battled with an “idea/dream” and with “reality”. I did not expect to feel the way I have felt being here, nor to struggle with this so deeply. In looking so intently at the reasons for coming and what is before me I have come to realize some perhaps unhealthy motivations. Adoption is a decision that should not be made lightly, and it should definitely not be made out of selfish reasons, or reasons of guilt, or “should haves”. What a war within me! I love this little girl and want the best for her! At the same time, I am not ready to make this lifelong commitment (and lifelong it shall be because of her disabilities). I wish I could be THAT person! There is not much else to say at this point. I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I continue to make decisions and decipher God’s will and the next step I should take. Thank you.