A look into my brain and heart

I spent two weeks in Cape Town (Feb 1st-Feb 14), visiting an American missionary family called the Stewarts- who I had met previously in Pretoria in 2008 and had since kept in close contact with. Cape Town is beautiful because it has both mountains and beaches. I spent my time resting, praying and thinking about the future, playing with their three beautiful and funny children, some random trips to Melissa's "hot-spots" in Cape Town, two trips to the beach, some sun bathing on the roof, good food, and lots of good conversation with both Melissa and Arthur. They are such good friends and have been such a blessing to me!

Lots of stretching (and I don't mean physically) has been occurring and re-evaluating previous thoughts and ideas about life, people, and purpose. I have learned so much about myself in the last two months. I think I have journaled (is that a word?) more in the last two months then in the last six years! I tend to think and over analyze things, which can sometimes be helpful and other times not. At some points I felt like I was going crazy with my pros and cons lists and my internal monologues.

I have also had some very significant conversations with three different ladies (who are all in different countries- Dubai, the UK and the USA) who have been in similar life situations. Just in telling me their stories they encouraged me and gave me some advice. One of the best parts about it is knowing that I am not alone. Even though one knows they can't possibly be the only one in a certain situation, it's always great to hear that that is actually true!

Here is a random list of thoughts rolling around in this brain of mine:

I can feel the stretching, but sometimes that stretching feels like it will snap back into it's previous shape. How does one know that they are actually growing? How does one measure present growth? I can see how you realize you have grown when a similar situation arises later and you have a different response, but what about in the present? I'm being stretched but am I actually growing?

The amazing reality that I have options and choices! What a blessing that actually is!

Understanding that I am acceptable to God, no matter what I do or don't do. It's so easy to get focused on "doing things". I find that if I don't keep busy doing productive things, I often get depressed. I have to make my life count, I have to do something that is meaningful, that actually helps people. Which is good on one hand, but bad on another. Its hard to break out of the "doing thinking". If I became an invalid right now and I could only talk and listen to people, my life would still have worth. I would still be loved. Nothing can separate us from God's love. God looks at our hearts. It's not about doing or what we do...

God gives us desires for a reason. He wants to use our gifts and our personalities.

I can't compare myself to other people. There will always be people who are doing cooler, better, more amazing, huge things for humanity and for God. It's discouraging to view those people and see myself who spends her day washing dishes, folding laundry, reading, talking to people, and driving people around in a hot car (and by hot I don't mean cool, I mean temperature - very hot!). Comparing myself to others won't benefit me, it will only make me more discouraged. There is a book I have yet to read called practicing the presence of God. Basically it is about a monk who worked in a kitchen and he talks about it not mattering what tasks you do big or small, you can still practice being in the presence of God whilst doing them. There is a Bible verse that says do everything for the glory of God, and another one that says "whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave there is neither working nor planning".

Love is the most essential part of life. If you haven't got love but you do all these things, they mean nothing. In the end love is the most important!

This earthly life is short. Yes we all know that, but every once and awhile something occurs in our lives that causes this reality to hit is in the face. Recently we have had a family friend who is 35 yrs old diagnosed with cancer that metastasized (he didn't even know he had cancer and then was diagnosed it with it all over his body) and a prognosis of a few weeks to live. He has a wife who is pregnant with their second kid. Obviously devastating. (If you pray, please join me in praying for a miracle for him and his family).

It made me realize that in this short earthly life, I want to be around and share my life with my family and others I love.

Before I left my friends in Cape Town we had a short time of praying together (well, them praying for me). It was very encouraging. My friend ended with this picture she saw of a tapestry. We are each a thread and the thread comes up for a short time and then may go behind the tapestry for awhile and then come up again etc. It is all creating a beautiful tapestry. We can't see the whole picture, but I have hope in a good and Sovereign God who sees that picture and is crafting something amazing. Each little part of "coming up" is important to the picture, no mater how short it is. It is not insignificant. It was necessary.

Something we might see in life as a failure is actually an essential part of the tapestry. Even people in our lives that come and go, just because it was for a short time does not mean that it was futile or pointless. It was part of the grand picture.

In short, if you have made it this far in this post, remember these few things

- you are totally and utterly loved by God

- This earthly life is short - so love who God has made you to be and most of all love people

- If you are discouraged by something not turning out the way you thought, take heart our life is a beautiful tapestry that is being crafted by a gracious, good and Sovereign God (whether you believe it or not) =).

and I love you too.